and I ask again...

Where did you go?
I miss you so.
Seems like its been forever...
Since you were gone.

Come back home.

.... of white shadows and black hopes

I burn for you to see.

…of people and places

Things and places always reminded me of times and people. This was always the way it happened. Objects brought more meaning to life. Strange? May be not!

She sat there, watching passerby's.

The wind was subtle. The place – crowded. There was little space left to maneuver; even for the wind. Probably why it remained subtle.

It could have been an hour, or may be even 2. The rains delayed the bus by a few hours. The not-so-dirty bench at the rear end of the platform was convenient. To watch, to smile, to smirk and to remain inert; immune to the chaos around.

Being the mute participant in multiple conversations, she continued to write... a story of borrowed characters and stolen dialogues. Little truth that captured the smell of sweat and wet iron of rusty buses made it real.

It kept her busy. Occupied.

And then he called….

Hence, another incomplete story.

Schizophrenia

Sometimes life is like that, there is always an invisible truth… a hidden reality… open secrets and surreal situations. It works on a simple truth – “Your life is REAL. But so is mine”. They say, emotions have that in them - the ability to bring to life memories. Love; most of all.

I’ve read books. I see there is so much to describe when it comes to mundane routines or even a crime scene. And I can’t help but wonder how Love seems to be the only thing that’s understood without words. Without words.

**********

But we did speak. A little, every now and then. No one asked me as many questions as he did. I had company. No one listened without judging me inside. And I have to agree, its tough finding people like that these days. Many judge by cover, I judge too – ‘instincts’; they say.

May be not.

I stumble upon more questions as I even try to answer the very first. What made me take that extra step?

He listened with patience. I preferred to think, he was observing closely. Sometimes, I even felt his gaze wash my skin.

Reluctant Panic. Both were mine. A sinful combination.

Such things can’t be ignored.

And some people can’t be forgotten. They can’t be remembered either. They just exist in your life. May be as tucked away memories of hurt… Or whispers of something you imagined…

***********

Welcome to my world. Here, nothing is new. Nothing is old. Its got me, myself and I.

With or Without You

To adolescent nights

Of infant love.

To sweet nothings…

Too many to count.





To silent words

‘n’ several sins…

To aquiline figures

Stagnant in time…





She left behind a story;

A wrinkled one.

Known to none; but

Two shadows in doubt.

PS: Totally inspired by an awesome line up of songs on my playlist! Someday when I can play the guitar - I will sing this song! ;)

Lost

There is no light outside my window
Sit there wondering why?
Open the door to black walls,
where shadows failed to fall.

I got no reasons! None this time..
'n' I keep askin' me why...?
.. Then I fall asleep..
Wishin' you were here, right by my side.

I dreamt too much, I can't remember..
if you were even there.
I hear those knocks from someone somewhere
but I can't find them there..

Even if you didn't find me then
I would have found myself!
For it has been so long
In a world so lost, all by myself...

...of bandanas & bangles !

I’ve been listening to Delhi 6 on an endless loop for a day now..

Am not a Delhi vaasi, nor have I stayed there for a considerable length of time to call myself a Delhi-ite. Same with Bombay or Bangalore! But there is something about these 3 cities! The spirit – its energy and the maddening crowd with all its colors! Place with no definition, people with no fear.

Makes me wanna do one of those ‘Friends only’ trip back to Pilani for this song reminds me of infinite Delhi – Pilani journeys atop rusty buses amidst a million pieces of luggage, dust and stale food.

This day was spent remembering Delhi-Haat, Samchat, Connaught market, bandanas and bangles!!

IT WAS GOOD FUN!

Perfect Christmas

Have you been in one of those moments? One that is hard to believe while you are amidst it? I was. Recently while on a much awaited trip.

So this happened last year (yeah! Christmas ’08). I had planned a trip to New Jersey to meet up with some good ol’ friends. My idea of a vacation or a Christmas Eve or a New Year’s night out is usually nothing fancy. (Yeah, nothing at all) It would be the same old dinner, some new music, a lot of talk and good sleep with friends to share it all with. And that pretty much was the plan for which I had booked a one stop flight to Jersey from Minneapolis via Chicago.

As luck would have it, my flight was delayed. Christmas eve, so I expect nothing less. I never cribbed, I did not even sulk. I was in the Santa mode, trying to spread cheer and joy. So yeah… I was at the airport – with a bunch of strangers tied together by the fact that we were all stranded at the airport. Chicago, ORD it was. Crowded yet with no one to talk to. (Strange isn’t it?)

I manage to seat myself at one of those overly packed gates, hoping to get out on a standby flight. But Murphy’s Law worked right a second time too. The flight went into servicing. By then, I had spent enough time at the gate. I went from staring between faces on the opposite seating area to smiling at visibly irritated faces.

I sat there reading ‘Fooled by randomness’ only to be interrupted by this Indian sitting next to me. ‘Hey.. This is interesting’ he says. I turn to see he was reading the prequel to the one I was reading; both talking largely about the theories of uncertainty. This person, a professor at the University of Michigan handles a course on Uncertainty Principles. Ironically, the man could deal with it only in theory. Whilst at the airport dealing with ‘uncertainty of heading to Jersey’ – he failed miserably.

The other character I got talking to was Vasantha mami. A typical tam bram lady – old, worn out & calm with experience on her first trip to the US visiting her children. She had limited luggage. No phone, no quarters, a $20 bill, a box of tomato rice packed by her daughter at Minneapolis & a boarding pass to catch the flight that was indefinitely delayed. Speaks for itself doesn’t it? Understandably, she felt a great sense of relief on seeing another ‘Tam face’ (myself) smile at her. So yes, this acquaintance lead me to a situation where I had to answer questions which I avoided asking myself. A whole huge list, actually.

1. Will the flight leave tonight?
2. Is it the last flight out for tonight?
3. If it doesn’t which flight will they book us on?
4. Does this always happen?
5. The weather is really terrible isn’t it?
6. Accident’s are not that frequent right?
7. What about my baggage that I have checked in?
8. Do you get vegetarian food here? For less than $20?

And many more…

Keeping her quiet for more than 10 mins at a stretch was tougher than listening to the professor fella!

Another couple of hours passed by, and suddenly the whole wait seemed worth it. It wasn’t the case that the flight was good to go. It was one Mr.Dave at the airport. A retired veteran from the Navy who also was hanging around at the airport waiting for the same flight to Newark, NJ.

“What’s with all you guys? It’s Christmas eve for god’s sake! Brighten up. It’s not so bad is it? We still got each other! Now come on, smile for me” says he. Trust me, the crowd did. As if instantly realizing what they failed to see for themselves. A couple of college kids sprang up from their seats walked up to Dave – gave him a ‘hi 5’ (is that how one spells it?), walked around the hip hop style – throwing a couple of ‘Yo man! Wassup?’ to every third person they saw.

Even the girl in pink who was sad that Santa would not find her tonight at the airport seemed to feel better. What more? Thoroughly in the rush of the moment and the energy that was so infectious, I called out to the crowd – ‘Does anyone feel like having some cake?’ (Still hate to think of how I might have reacted if the crowd remained passive to my callout) Surprisingly for me, there was response. A loud one. at that. So the college kids, Dave and I head out to the food court to grab some cheese cake for the whole crowd. Back at gate B16, we had the cake, exchanged stories, seats and everything except our names.

Within an hour from then, the flight was good to go. We were all on it, like around a 100 of us who knew each other and what the Christmas gifts for their families were! And that’s the story of 24^th December 2008.

A perfect Christmas, huh? We also got a $100 off e-coupon on our next purchase. Perfect indeed!

Ajar

I knew you would leave if I slept a little longer.

So I did.